Empty Moments
by Doc Scratch
Summary: What AnakinDarth Vader thinks in his spare time, he gave up everything to prevent her death, but because he was wrong, he caused it. R


(Angst is not usually my style, and this is the first I have written, so please, be kind to my ignorant mind. Hey that rhymed...)

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars, and I can't really say I want to the way it turned out. I'd get too much hate mail.

'He's more machine than man now, twisted and evil...'

Told from Anakin/Vader's point of view.

Moments:

If someone were to ask me what I feared the most now, I would not say death, or losing my power, nor even the future. I would say empty moments, moments when I have nothing to do. No duties to occupy my mind, no arguments or plans or attacks to keep me busy. Nothing.

Moments where all I do is meditate, or stare out a window, or sit by myself. Because then the thoughts start. First come the screams, the screams of everyone I've ever killed or harmed, and the voices of those who didn't have the chance to scream because they were choking on nothing, their throats closed by my use of the Force. Then the memories, the bad come first, vivid with pain and emotions, screaming to me of my mistakes, slicing off Mace Windu's arm, killing younglings, fighting Obi-Wan, and burning. Next the good memories, which are worse than the bad, they remind me of what I had, and lost, and destroyed. They are flashing before my eyes now. Padme the first time I saw her, the race on Boomta, my mother, Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan smiling lightly at me when I was young. All these and more, hundreds of memories. It is the worst sort of torture.

I fear these moments, when I may see what I have become and the life I abandoned, the life no longer mine. I tried to fool myself before, tell myself that the Jedi were evil, that they sought power like everyone and feared to lose it, that they would have destroyed the Senate and the Republic. I cannot do that now. I am not sure I want to. I know I am a monster, that Palpatine, Sidious, is a monster, a manipulative dark being. But I am powerless now, a pawn in the eternal plot of life, I no longer have the will power to fight my destiny. I don't even have the will to hate anymore. Except myself. I loathe myself. I was blinded by my own desperation and disobedience, and emotions. What has happened is my own fault, and I curse the technology and mechanics that surround me, forcing my body to live on when my mind begs to die. I am still here, but there is nothing I can do, and so I tell myself that I am dead. That Anakin Skywalker is dead and that only Darth Vader is here. I know I lie, but it helps, so I keep lying.

Why do I continue? All that I once fought for is gone. My Padme is dead, and it is my doing, Kenobi no longer believed I have any good in me, or he believed that it is too far buried to be brought out. He was right. The Jedi are dead, all that I cared for is dead, even the majority of me is dead. Why cannot the rest of me join it? Why can I not cease to be as my beloved wife did? Because I already have lost the will to live, the will to take breath and move, but I don't need to, this armor, this construction lives for me, the persona of Vader taking over so that Anakin may hide and weep and scream until he-I no longer has the will to. Until I-he is blocked out, silenced by Vader, the monster that instills fear simply by walking into a room.

Except in moments like these...no, Darth Vader fears these moments, reminders that his lie is just that, a lie. That Anakin is still alive, twisted, weak, small, but alive just the same. Anakin cherishes these moments, and fears the end of them, when he must watch as though from afar, as though it is not him doing it, the things that Vader does. But Vader and I, Anakin and I we are one but not the same. The same body, the same mind, but not the same actions, emotions. The same thoughts, not the same reactions. Vader hates, Anakin hopes. I hope that one day, I will have an opportunity to fight again, a reason to live again, so that I may fight Darth Vader, destroy him, and finally do what I should have done years ago on Mustafar, when I killed the one I love and attacked one who was like my brother. Die. So that we may die. So that the pain, the wretchedness, the guilt might end. And I will finally be at peace.

I fear these moments, and I cherish them.

The End.

(A/N: I always imagined it like this. When I watched the movies. I thought that he probably realized he wasn't 'bringing peace and order to the galaxy' but that he also knew there wasn't anything he could do, or should I say undo. It was just too late. And a part of him accepted that, but another part didn't. So I thought that maybe he tried to keep busy so as to just not deal with it, but that every once in awhile, between his meetings and plans and such, he would have doubts, and inner turmoil. Where he became confused and couldn't decide or remember whether he was Anakin or Vader, or if the two were even different. So he would dissect the situation and attempt to lie to himself, or tell the truth or both at the same time and come into conflict before finally grasping at the answer and both reaching it and missing it if that makes sense. You know, he did have good left in him, but that scared him in a way. So he tried to destroy it or at least pretend it was destroyed. Basically he knew the truth, but he was in denial. Yeesh this is getting long, but anyway you'd see him in his little containment place with his helmet off, and I just wondered, 'what does he do in there? Play gameboy or something? more likely he thinks about what's going on or something' the first of course was just my sarcastic side going off on me but the second seemed an iminent possibility, so I based this story off of that. What Vader Does in his Spare Time. Sounds like a good parody name. But I didn't feel like that. This guy had issues, lets have people understand them. Lets show the true Darth Anakin. Lets try to express the tragedy that he is, because I don't think everybody completely got that. Anakin is in fact a tragedy. He is sad, but not in the pathetic way, think about it. It's awful, he was twisted and manipulated, and it wasn't actually entirely his fault. Sure he broke some rules, but really, he didn't really get it all. He wasn't the big strong Chosen One everyone said/thought he was, he was the impatient, slightly gullible, naive Chosen One, who needed guidance but received very little guidance. He got trained sure, but everybody was uber paranoid of him and nobody actually explained stuff to him, no one watched him, they left him to his own devices and told him he was just so great, but he knew and they knew that they were lying through their teeth. He got cocky and that's what did it. Now you have all more than likely become sick and tired of my rambling attempts to sway you to my point of view which is that Anakin was misled and misunderstood and that the story was really very sad. And everybody who already sees it from my pov, yes there are people out there that don't believe us. Trust me my mom is one of them and I cannot convert her. Anyway review and tell me what you think. But don't flame please, I've worked myself up enough as it is. I get very touchy about my stories.)


End file.
